Hank the Homerphobe

Yep. Mmhmm.

I Lost a Bet

Hey, y'all (sigh):



Me an' JoeJack had a bet on the World Series. He had St. Louis. I had Texas (in support o' my pal, Howard Pee Pugpants).


Well, unless ya been livin' in a cave, I don't haftuh tell ya how THAT turned out. The wager was a case o' PBR, an' the loser had tuh put on a dress an' prance around the front yard.


Alright. Let's git this over with. (Cringe!!!)






GAWD, this is embarrassin'!!!






Yep, here I am by the roseboosh - lookin' like a big frootcake.







Okay, I done my thing. Now git me back in the house, mom, bufore that frisky Doberman down the street gits ahold o' me!!!!




Yep. Mmhmm.

I vuntuh suck yer blood!

Hey, y'all:


Count Hankula here! Now I don't like wearin' costumes (they're fer girls an' sissies) but since it's Halloweenie time I figgered I'd oblige y'all with a pitcher.


Anyhoo.....lots o' stuff has been goin' on around here since I last blogged. My folks went tuh Florida at the beginnin' o' this month. Now normally, I'd be perty honked off BUTT I got tuh stay with Ms. Liz an' JoeJack fer a few days! Ms. Liz let me stay in the house the whole time an' gave me cheese AN' let me sleep in 'er bedroom! It woulda been a whole lot better if that dang Ivan (JoeJack's punk little brother) woulda let me sleep on the bed, but Ms. Liz fixed me a pile o' blankets on the floor so it was all good.


My mom's all hot in the pants 'cause she bought a new swimmin' pool an' dad's been buildin' a deck. Now I'm not too happy 'bout this 'cause that means she's gonna make me SWIM next summer (her an' 'er dang "hydrotherapy"), but I agreed tuh help dad with the job.






Did a little shoppin' with Sal at the Petco last weekened.....





(Now shoppin' is a lot like wearin' a costume.....it's fer girls an' sissies. BUTT shoppin' fer snacks is a WHOLE differ'nt story.)





Okay, so I've saved the best news fer last. This'll REALLY knock yer socks off.



I GOT A GALFRIEND!!!!!!


Yep, I managed tuh snag the pertiest, sweetest gal this side o' St. Louie - PUGNACIOUS P!!!


Here's a pitcher o' us on our first official date (you can almost SEE my heart poundin'!). We wuz at Ellie's first birthday party.






I wanted tuh make a good impression on Payton's mom an' dad (an' Gampy!) so here I am serenadin' 'er mom (an' hopin' fer a little snack!).






It's been a LONG time since I've had a galfriend I tell ya what. Maybe I should schedule my tooth cleanin' appointment sooner than later!



Yep. Mmhmm.

Cause fer Celebration!

Hey, y'all:


First off, I finally got my driver's license back. (Had a little, uh, "incident" back in my younger years. Seems there's some sorta "open container law".)

Anyhoo, check 'er out!






Second, I just noticed my last post was my HUNNERDTH!!!!


So I'm havin' a big celebration tuhnight! An' no......I won't be poppin' any tops 'til I git back from the Krogers.



Yep. Mmhmm.

Whut I Done on my Summer Vacation Part 2

Hey, y'all:


I'm back with the second part o' my trip!


After a good night's sleep in the fancy hotel, me an' mom hit the road an' headed south tuh Oklahomer!

I napped fer whut seemed like two minutes an' when I opened my eyes we was at Kelly an' Pearl's house!

Well, hey there, Pearl, honey!




Now she's a nice enough gal but Miss Kelly says she's "socially awkward". I don't know whut that means, but all I know is she kept whimperin' an' whinin' an' followin' me around an' stickin' her nose in my whatnot!!!



Here's Miss Kelly tryin' tuh calm the ol' gal down. Me, I dint care. I was just hopin' Pearl's dad would share his popcorn with me. (Which he DID! WINGO!)














Now don't git me wrong......I love Miss Kelly an' Pearl but this hen house was gittin' tuh me after a while - all that squawkin' an' laughin' an' carryin' on. I reminded mom we had somebuddy else tuh visit, so we hit the road an' headed north tuh Tulsa......


ARLO, BUDDY!




Boy, was I glad tuh git back in some guy company (no offense, Kelly an' Pearl). We met Arlo an' Penni an' Penni's grammaw at the Joe Station Bark Park.

('Scuse me folks; it's been a long drive!)




That Miss Penni is somethin'! Look at this nice welcome package.....cookies fer mom, an' fer ME......dog cookies an' a PBR!!!!! WINGO!!!!!




Here's me tellin' Arlo 'bout my day with Pearl an' the gals........




Me an' Arlo took a break from jawjackin' tuh git a pitcher with our moms.




Thanks fer the warm welcome, Arlo an' Miss Penny! Perty soon, the sun started tuh set, so we hit the road tuh git back to our fancy hotel in Missouri.


The next mornin' we was headed back up tuh Indy when mom spotted signs fer "Meremec Caverns" in Sullivan, Missouri. (Word has it that Jesse James hid out in them caverns!)


I'll lead the way, mom, just in case that Jesse James fella shows up.




GAWD, that river water felt good on my hooves!




Aw, hail.....why din't I bring my fishin' pole??




Looky here.....they even had ziplinin'!




We coulda spent the whole day on that riverbank, but I had tuh git back tuh the car. I had a ice-cold PBR with my name on it! (Thanks again, Penni, honey!)





Now no trip tuh Missouri is complete without a stop at the Purina Farms in Gray Summit, MO!




Look at that spread o' land! And that ain't even HALF of it!




Open up, people......I know there's FOOD in there!




See?! Whud I tell ya???





So after we made tracks on the farm an' watched a dog agility show (whutever THAT is), mom put the pedal tuh the metal an' dint stop (well, 'cept tuh take a wizz) 'til we got back tuh Indy.....an' it was pert near MIDNIGHT.


Now I wanna finish up here by sayin' whut a HOT DANG time we had seein' our friends an' explorin'. It was the best trip o' my life I tell ya what. I'm gonna leave you with a pitcher o' me an' the one I love.....the BEST travelin' partner a guy could ass fer.








Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?



Yep. Mmhmm.

Whut I Done on My Summer Vacation

Hey, y'all:


Can you buhlieve August is already halfway over???? Whut have y'all been up to? Well, I've had a few adventures this summer an' I wanna share 'em with ya.


First off, I got the chance tuh meet a real live PIG! Yep, I said pig, not pug. An' yer not gonna buhlieve this but the ol' boy's name was HANK!

Now my mom an' Aunt Laura thought that me an' Hank the pig was a lot alike. I want you tuh check out these pitchers an' see whut YOU think.















Nope, I just don't see the resemblunce.



Anyhoo.....me an' mom duhcided tuh make a trip out tuh St. Louie an' Oklahomer tuh meet some o' our blog friends! Check it out!



Look whut we come acrosst in Illinois!





I was all set tuh whip out the checkbook but mom said her tree-huggin' hippy car couldn't tow it back tuh Indiana. Shoot.



At least she'd stocked up on snacks fer me. Yep, these are pork rhinds an' I tore up the bag an' ate 'em all bufore the ol' gal could stop me! WINGO!!!






Buhfore I knew it, we was in St. Louis, Missouri.





An' just WHO's doorstep did we land on? Gina, Vito an' Colonel Vinny!


Well, hey there, Gina, honey!!!






Now Vito an' Colonel Vinny are perty nice kids BUTT......they duhcided tuh test my wrasstlin' abiluhty an' they tag-teamed me!






Thank gawd I still have my combat skills (that I learned in 'Nam), so I hopped up on the highest perch I could find, an' gave 'em whut fer!

"Listen here, kid.....I may be old but I'm wirey I tell ya what!!!"






Hail, I even put Vito in the brig!






(I think I mighta had a flashback fer a second 'cause I felt the need tuh take cover under a tree!)






"Aw, hail, guys.....no harm done. Now let's go back inside an' relax an' I'll tell ya 'bout my tour o' duty in Da Nang."






Yep, Colonel Vinny......I killed fitty men in 'Nam.






Next thing we knew the doorbell rang an' this cute little gal an' her mom an' gramma joined the party. This here is Payton!






We like this little gal. She kinda reminds me an' mom of a younger O'Mally! An' her mom an' gramma are real nice, too. They brought treats fer us fellas!



Vito an' Colonel Vinny were up all in Payton's craw, each one wantin' tuh be her boyfriend. I'm perty sure I heard her whisper to her mom "Mommy, please make these boys leave me alone!!!"






So all in all, it was a real good visit an' we finished up with a group pitcher.






So that was day one o' the trip. I'm all wore out from all this bloggin'! I'll start up again with the rest o' the trip in my next post, so be lookin' fer it!



Butt buhfore I go, check out this fancy worsh cloth foldin' they did at the hotel! An' they even pervide ya with soap!!! Yep, me an' mom only stay at the fanciest places I tell ya what.







Yep. Mmhmm.

The Good News er the Bad News?

.......which do ya want first?



Hey, y'all:


Well, I guess I'll give ya the bad news first.


I din't git the job with that Hipster company. I dunno whut went wrong; they din't even innerview me! Maybe it wasn't such a good idea tuh put THIS on my application.......







Hail, I figgered why answer all them questions? Just git tuh the point! Oh, well......live an' learn I tell ya what.



Anyhoo, the good news is that yesterday was my TWELFTH birfday! Yep, my cousins come over tuh celebrate with me.







Now my mom's always whinin' 'bout how her baby girls are all grown up, but I'M perty darn happy they're old enough tuh make PBR runs fer me!!!



Yep. Mmhmm.